Don't Keep It Bottled Up

Why is it that everytime something happens you're hit with the same advice: "whatever you do, don't keep it bottled up inside." But why? Do we have to yell everytime we're angry, do we have to be comforted when something breaks us down? Why can't we be self-sufficient? There are so many problems we keep to ourselves on a daily basis, so why is it that we can't solve all of them by ourselves?

I came home today to find my dog nowhere in sight. Okay, no problem she probably just found someplace to lay down, right? Not exactly. Today, November 16th, 2006, my dog sunny was put to sleep. To anybody else it wouldn't be a big deal, but to me, this was one of my very first animals. She was a puppy when I was a kid, and so we grew up together. Now, we did have due cause to put her to sleep, but it just doesn't matter when you see her little food bowl sitting on the counter because she just wouldn't touch her kibbles and then think to yourself that she will never touch it again. Nor does it help to see two leashes sitting on the stairs when you know now you will only use one.

I guess part of the reason that I miss her so much is the fact that I've finally realized I will never see her again. I'll never pet her. I'll never scratch her belly. Never again. No matter how much I wish to look at her big brown eyes, she'll never come back to me.

I thought about this, and then I just sat on my bed by myself. It occured to me then how ridiculous it sounds for people to ask you to talk about things like this with them. It may not do me any good in the long run, but it felt nice just to be there without anyone else. Maybe it was because I have the option of talking to people if I really want to, instead of thinking I'm bound to suffer through whatever it is at the time alone. I don't know, and maybe I'm just not meant to, but I do know that everybody handles things differently. Personally, I think I've found a way to alleviate any emotion I've ever felt just by stepping onto a stage. My problems aren't huge, I must admit, and I have no intention of becoming an actress, it just helps me to know that when I perform something, I can be anything, I can be anyone. As long as you have the ambition and the emotion, you can create an entirely different personality whenever you want to. You can bottle everything up and whenever you have a character the requires bitterness or defeat or just whatever, you reopen that cabinet and pull out that highly concentrated formula you've kept for so long. Granted, it isn't right at all to keep everything you've ever felt to yourself, but when you have the right friends, you don't really feel an obligation to, either, or so I've found.

Maybe it's something and maybe it's nothing, but anything can happen, and now I think I've found a way to deal with that.

A New Start

There will be someone in your life that makes you think hard, but there will always be people to make you think twice. No matter how many times you reassure yourself that you don't care what other people think about you, there will always be those that make you reconsider what you're wearing, or how you speak, or even how you look. A real task in life is not in trying to make yourself invincible when it comes to these words, but choosing friends that will help you to overcome them. A true friendship is eternal and something we all try to find, but the majority of the time allowing ourselves to trust another person is harder than finding a needle in a haystack.

Just last weekend I experienced one of the most miraculous events I might ever have, and made some of the best friends I know I ever will. We were all going to unload and set up a carnival we were being paid to host the next day. After we finished our two and a half hours of toil and trouble, we went to a meeting for our drama society (the reason we were doing all of this) and then on to a sleepover at our teacher's house. We had fun playing all the normal games for co-ed fun until about midnight when the guys had to go upstairs. Then it was just us girls.

Although we knew each other a little, we soon found our just how different we all really are. So, for the next three and a half hours we had the most open and up-lifting conversations we might ever have all together. There were things said that made everyone cry, and there were times we couldn't help but laugh, but one thing is certain. During this interlude, we formed some of the strongest bonds we surely ever will. From seniors to juniors to sophmores and freshmen, we now know there will always be someone there to count on. We know we have a place to stay if anything should go wrong, and we know just how much we all love each other. Old friendships were strengthened and new ones were created to last. I now know who to really call my friends and who and what I am more than ready to stand up for.

I leave you only with the words my new friend left me with...love, respect, and friendship.

High School

For anyone that has finished high school, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about when I say high school drama. How so much can be packed into those words, I may never come to find out.

I have to admit that when I stepped into my new school, I was really and truly excited. I knew that there would be something spectacular about this year and the three others to come, I just knew it. But when you are as ecstatic as I was, I guess you just don't see what's right in front of you...reality. Although the first week was just exactly what I had hoped for, I am now starting to realize just what miserable creeps some people can be. There is no end to the damage ruthless freshman, not sophmores or juniors or seniors, but our own classmates and friends can do to us. These are the people we have and will go to school with for some years to come. They know our weaknesses our downfalls and just how to push our buttons. They know you want something and so they strive for it so that you can't. Let's face it, to depend on anyone but yourself any where along the lines of life is a futile attempt, especially in that little circle of hell known as high school.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do have a lot of very close friends, but everyone has their days, and it looks like this one just wasn't one of my best. Hopefully, however, this won't be one of many in the year to come.

Sitting on the Edge of My Seat

It seems that summer is nearly at a closing point, and school is just around the corner... yet again. As you can more than likely guess, this is my freshman year, and i'm getting a little edgy. Although I know my friends will always be there to help me, I can't even imagine how much they've changed in our time apart and how much they've grown up since school has been over. Granted, there will defintitely be those people (and I can probably name them right now) that have yet to give even the slightest note of difference. But how will I know that my best friends will stay my best friends, or even good friends to me? The answer is that I don't know. So much can happen in a school year that it seems almost impossible. Our minds change each day as much as our classes do in a week. We make friends and we lose friends, we gain enemies and we conquer them (some of the time). There are people that try to lend a hand to us through our successes and our oppositions, but the truth is we have to forge our own way. Learning to count on certain people constantly can't make you stronger, it only makes you dependant. We have to learn for ourselves that yes, it is nice to have someone there to give a push in the right direction now and again, but the vast majority of the time we have to think for ourselves.

This is the first post. More to come!